Fiction Fridays

(a continuation from last week...)

I was cuddling peacefully in my chamber when a sudden burst of noise blasted me. I could not hear Her voice. Why couldn’t I hear Her voice? The noise grew louder as I heard a voice from the outside say: “suction”. What did that mean? I began to grow scared. Soon the sound was all I could hear, and it was closer. I could sense it. It was too loud! It began to hurt. I thrashed about and tried to move as much as I could within my chamber. Oh! If only I could speak. Then She would be able to hear me. She would listen I know She would! I thought one thing over and over again, hoping She would hear: Mommy!!!

The doctor had me lie down as she turned on the machine. She assured me that the procedure would be quick, fifteen minutes or less. I would be a little uncomfortable and then that would be it. I tried reassuring myself mentally, but something felt wrong. The machine echoed in my ears as the doctor came closer. Time stood still as she began to make the preparations. Sweat beaded down my forehead. My breathing became labored and my legs began to tremble. I clenched my teeth as I tried to remain calm. Breathe…just breathe… I looked over at the doctor as she came closer. She put her hands on my arms steadying me. I hadn’t realized I was shaking so badly. The machine’s noise caught my attention. I tried focusing on something else but I stared at it fearfully. My heart beat grew faster and faster until it was the only thing I could hear. I put my hands over my ears to muffle the noise. It was too much! I didn’t want to listen anymore. I wanted this to be over with. Suddenly everything around me went fuzzy. I put a hand to my head and closed my eyes.

When I opened them again I was alone. I looked around me not believing what I was seeing. A full length mirror hung on the wall next to me. I gasped when I saw my flat stomach. The only reasonable conclusion I could come up with was that I had fainted during the procedure. I looked in the mirror again. It was gone! I sighed heavily. But had I made the right choice? I waited for my mind to tell me everything would be alright now. But I heard nothing. My face was pale and my stomach seemed empty now. I had just gotten used to the idea of being pregnant, that was all. My stomach would feel normal after a little while.

And then I heard it, faintly at first; “Don’t do this!”

“I didn’t have a choice. Besides, you aren’t there anymore.”

“But I am here! Can’t you feel me?”

I looked down at my stomach, “No, because you aren’t there. You weren’t living yet anyway.”

“But I AM. I am growing inside of you. How could I grow if I’m not living?”

“Leave me be.”

I realized how ridiculous I must sound, talking to myself. There was no one there. It went quiet again as I headed towards the door.

But the voice grew louder this time: “But it hurts.”

“It is done!” I shouted.

“Please!”

Tears rolled down my face, as I closed my eyes. “I’m sorry.”

“Hear me!”

My eyes snapped open. The doctor looked at me anxiously. I quickly glanced down at my stomach. It was big again, the baby was still there. I shook my head as I realized now that this was no dream. Something inside me screamed: “Stop!!!”

After recovering from my sudden outburst the doctor spoke softly, “Are you sure?”

Was I? It took me a moment to get back to reality. Suddenly I felt the baby move. This was the first time I had felt it. I realized now that something was living inside me. And I couldn’t kill it. Not now. Not ever! I quietly thanked the doctor and left the hospital without looking back.

The noise had stopped. She was upset, I could tell. But somehow I felt relieved. Something had changed. Her emotions surged through me. She knew that I existed. She had listened…I was safe.

I ran into my room and flopped onto my bed. Face down; I hit the bedspread with my fists. I had never been so scared. Without warning the baby moved. I sat up quickly and put my hand to my stomach. There it was again, a little bump underneath my fingers. As I felt around the area more carefully the cold hard truth hit me. Was it a hand, a foot maybe? I trembled as I realized what I had almost done. I knew now, that I had to tell someone.

The conversation with my parents was the longest conversation we had since “the talk”. When I told them that I was going to keep the baby they both went quite again. They told me to think it over. And so I did. I continued life normally as the baby grew inside me. I went to school just like every other day. Every one had heard the rumors. I was humiliated when I went back to school. It wasn’t that I was verbally abused, but the look in their eyes as I passed them, was enough to send me home. But I knew that I could not go back to that clinic. No fear would ever be as bad as that. I attended my classes as if nothing had changed. But the one person who I dreaded telling was him.

I called my boyfriend as soon as I got home from school. He had been told by his friends and was anxious to see me. My stomach was the first thing he looked at. I immediately burst into tears. I hadn’t wanted him to find out this way. I felt guilty. He held me while I explained everything that had happened. After I had a good cry he spoke. He was more supportive then I had imagined. We talked for hours about the future. He told me that the decision was up to me. When I told him I wanted to keep the baby, he promised to be involved regularly. And most of all he still loved me!

My chamber seems smaller. I have grown so much since I remember hearing Her voice for the first time. The atmosphere around me has changed, I can feel it. I heard a new voice today. His voice is much deeper then Hers. It is also soothing. And again I feel a connection with this voice. Sometimes I sense Him close to my chamber. He does something that I have heard Her call “singing”.

It had almost been nine months. I felt terrible and looked it too. But I felt an overwhelming peace about my pregnancy. I look back on my experience in the abortion clinic, and thank God every day that I kept my baby. My thoughts have turned to God a lot lately. After all that I’ve been through, it is hard to think that this world was made just by chance. My baby is living proof of that. His complex design points to a creator. I can’t help but wonder if the voice that I heard in the clinic was really God’s; urging me to look outside of myself and see His wonders. No matter how hard I tried, I could not escape the fact, regardless if he was breathing or not, my baby was living inside of me. This realization has brought me to deeper understanding of life. I know now, that there is a God and that He saved my life and my baby’s.

I do not know what happened to change Her mind. That day while She was about to have me aborted, I was so scared. I felt helpless. I still cannot speak. But I know now that She can hear me…that She loves me…I’m positive.

THE END

A Note to the Reader

Adolph Hitler once said: “It matters not whether these weapons of ours are humane: if they gain us our freedom, they are justified before our conscience and before our God.” (i) Hitler could not have been farther from the truth. The value of life is altogether precious to God. Abortion cannot be justified as humane, by the preservation of one life, while the other is destroyed. Fetus, embryo, call them whatever name you wish, but they are human and are therefore children of God. They must have a voice. We are their voice.

(i) http://quotations.about.com/od/morepeople/a/Hitler1.htm